Quite a Stash

Robbie and Maria don't realize it, but I am, at this very moment, sitting on their basement toilet, admiring the 1984 Detroit Tigers poster on the wall. Every boy in Michigan who was alive at that time has (or at least had) this exact poster. While most of us have discontinued hanging it on the wall some time ago, at least Robbie has continued to display this piece of the Tigers' glorious past. And while some would argue that displaying it in the basement bathroom area is not particularly prominent, I would counter that where else in the home would anyone have nearly as much time to sit and contemplate such a work of great importance? Here are a couple of thoughts I have gleamed from this iconic poster looking at it now, years after it came out: First of all, the 80's truly were the glory days of mustaches. Except for a stretch of earth which basically covers the former Ottoman Empire, the mustache today has fallen on hard times. But looking at the Tigers who had mustaches, I would argue that, fielding a team of only mustachioed players would still have provided the Tigers with a 90-win season. Consider the Tigers' top three starters - Morris, Petry, and Wilcox - all had mustaches. They won 19, 18, and 17 games respectively. Then add on top of that Cy Younger winnder Willie Hernandez, who had enough facial hair for two men...Dave Rozema and Doug Bair also flashed the 'stash. That is quite a pitching combo. Among the starters, only Trammell and Whitaker didn't have liphair. Parrish had some behind the plate. Gibby, Chet Lemon, and Larry Herndon all did. That's your outfield. Darrell Evans didn't have a stash, but you could have started Bergman instead, and that would have been a capable replacement starter. Third base had Brookens, but with a mustache void at SS and 2B, Brookens would probably have played 2B. That would have left Howard Johnson, mustachioed, available to play third, leaving only SS vacant. Somehow, we could have pulled somebody up from Toledo or Erie to fill the gap, I am sure.

The second observation I make from that poster was that Sparky Anderson sure did look old. When he died, he was 76. He died some time last year. So 1984 was 26 years ago. That would have made him 50 years old then. I swear he looks 76 back then. Every single hair was white as snow. I was shocked to hear that he was only 76 when he died, but looking at the poster, I think I am even more shocked that he was only 50 in 1984.

Los Phoenix Border Guards

What if sports teams updated their nicknames to reflect current qualities of the cities they were in? For example, Seattle would have to name a team the Seattle Baristas. Imagine an NBA with these possible teams out west:

1. Seattle Baristas

2. Portland Treehuggers

3. San Francisco Parade Marchers

4. San Diego Coyotes

5. Los Angeles Botox

6. Dallas Gunlovers

7. Phoenix Border Guards

I especially like the Phoenix Guards. Seeing how the NBA currently honors its Latino fans by sometimes putting "el" or "los" on the jersey instead of "the", I would like to see a "Los Border Guards" jersey. Imagine now these Eastern Conference teams:

1. Chicago Corruption

2. New York Stockbrokers

3. Minnesota Icefishermen

4. Detroit Foodstamps

5. Baltimore Blight

6. Washington Inequalities

7. Miami Defectors

8. Orlando Touristtrappers

9. Pittsburgh Rust

10. New Jersey Situations

11 .Atlanta Connecting Flights

12. Cleveland Jolted

And also, similar to the inexplicable naming of two CFL teams the Roughriders, there would be the Memphis and Kansas City Barbecues. Imagine those two teams facing off - it would be the Barbecue Superbowl. And, yes, I realize that the current NBA doesn't have franchises in all of these cities - yet.

****New Post***

Hello to all my legions of readers. I've been in hiatus, it seems, judging from my last post, for over a year. Well, I have so many things to say. First of all, I was listening to a podcast the other day where Larry David was being interviewed. He said he carries a little notebook around with him at all times, so that when he gets an idea, he can jot it down and possibly use it in an episode somehow. I thought that was quite interesting because I do the same thing. Of course, I don't have any episodes to use my ideas in yet. But I thought it was nice and quaint for old man Larry David to be still going old school with his pen and paper, while most people would jot down their ideas in their androids or something. Well, if it's good enough for him, then it's good enough for me. Needless to say, I have a year's worth of ideas jotted down without having written anything. I am back refreshed, and ready to write, so let's go. Also, this week I was listening to a Bill Simmons podcast with Chuck Klosterman, and Klosterman forced Simmon's hand in announcing they are coming out with some sort of website for sports/pop culture where they will both be writing and they have hired a couple of other up and comers. Well, here's my play for the Simmon's website. Mr. Simmon's, I have had a following at one point of up to 8 readers, and while that number has fallen lately, I am sure I will have at least one or two readers of this post. So you might want to consider those numbers...just food for thought.

The Best of Nut

I have done some thinking and have compiled a list of some of my favorite stories.

- James and the Giant Fireballs

- The Stove in the Bed Incident

- The Shopping Cart in the Snow Incident

- Horsewhispering in Wilmore

- UPS delivery for communion

- The Mountain Dew and Blinds Affair

- Falling into the Arms of the Voluptuous Housewife

- Breaking the Seal before a three-hour lecture

- Keeping the School safe from Terrorists

- The Mixed Medication Caper

- Washing Clothes in English Channel

- Swimming with the Carps

- The Low Kneepads

- The Cross Country Race

- I only have one Knob!

- The Kentucky Meth Lab

- The Sauna Visit

- Maria's Keys in the Trash

- Sleeping behind Kmart

- The Lost Luggage F-Bomb

- Locked Away in the Professor's Bathroom

- The Curious Incident of the Stairwell and the Broken Glass

- Bloop

- Fast Train, Long Bridge

- Spaghetti on the Ceiling

- Macaroni in the Cleavage

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More to follow...

Suicidal Neons

As a trip to any doctor's office will prove, a fish aquarium is a lovely and uplifting piece of room decor. Kids love to get right up to the glass and look at the fish, while the adults can serenely sit back and enjoy the fish from afar. Which is why I and my sisters wanted to recreate this idyllic scenario at our own house. We already had an aquarium - we weren't messing around with a bowl- we were going straight for the big time. After having scrubbed it and filled it with random stones, pieces of wood, and fake plants, it was time for a trip to the pet store for some fish.

The end product was a UN of fish aquariums. There were guppies, goldfish, neons (my favorite), and all sorts of other types of fish. They coexisted peacefully. It was beautiful. It was like San Francisco.

Then, in one fateful morning, all hell broke loose. At first, I noticed that one of the goldfish had given birth. My dad was the first to spot the miniscule creatures swimming about. After he called us over, we saw that same goldfish eat its young. That's not a good sign. Other fish were trying to get in the action by this point, and all I could do on the outside was scream and yell. Now, it was at this exact point that I noticed other fish were starting to get what I would describe as "woozy." Turns out that what they had was a terminal fish disease called ick. Ick is like AIDS to fish. Once you get it, there's no surviving. Guppies were swimming sideways, our fantail stopped using its tail - it was a pandemic. The ick was spreading, and spreading fast. The neons decided they would rather take their chances on the outside, and multiple neons actually swam to the surface and jumped out of the tank. I remember running around and gathering up the suicidal neons and dropping them back in the water. That water may be contaminated with ick, I thought, but I knew that those fish needed water. That's the one thing I know. Well, in the end, the neons got it too, and in the final analysis, every single fish had been wiped out. About 20 of them, in all, I reckon. What started out as a joyous morning, with the celebration of new life, ended up being the worst fish disaster in Cole household history. We were flushing the toilet like crazy that day.

Look-A-Likes, Part 3

Wait, is that Olympian and best basketball player on the earth, Robbie Bolton? Look at those cheesy grins, strained foreheads, feigning interest in the shot...

Look-A-Likes, Part 2

Notice the similar love patches, dimples, and cheeks. Could be twins missing from birth. Marcus Thames, of the Detroit Tigers, is from the South, and Quillen is famously part German, and part Billhilly...Both are power hitters who use their country-strong strengh to knock baseballs and softballs out of the ballpark. But if they don't get a hold of one, they will most likely be sitting down 3 pitches later. Ok, so they have different skin complexions. But Obama's President, so that stuff doesn't matter any more.