The Best of Nut

I have done some thinking and have compiled a list of some of my favorite stories.

- James and the Giant Fireballs

- The Stove in the Bed Incident

- The Shopping Cart in the Snow Incident

- Horsewhispering in Wilmore

- UPS delivery for communion

- The Mountain Dew and Blinds Affair

- Falling into the Arms of the Voluptuous Housewife

- Breaking the Seal before a three-hour lecture

- Keeping the School safe from Terrorists

- The Mixed Medication Caper

- Washing Clothes in English Channel

- Swimming with the Carps

- The Low Kneepads

- The Cross Country Race

- I only have one Knob!

- The Kentucky Meth Lab

- The Sauna Visit

- Maria's Keys in the Trash

- Sleeping behind Kmart

- The Lost Luggage F-Bomb

- Locked Away in the Professor's Bathroom

- The Curious Incident of the Stairwell and the Broken Glass

- Bloop

- Fast Train, Long Bridge

- Spaghetti on the Ceiling

- Macaroni in the Cleavage

-

-

-

More to follow...

The Great Guppy Massacre

As a trip to any doctor's office will prove, a fish aquarium is a lovely and uplifting piece of room decor. Kids love to get right up to the glass and look at the fish, while the adults can serenely sit back and enjoy the fish from afar. Which is why I and my sisters wanted to recreate this idyllic scenario at our own house. We already had an aquarium - we weren't messing around with a bowl- we were going straight for the big time. After having scrubbed it and filled it with random stones, pieces of wood, and fake plants, it was time for a trip to the pet store for some fish.

The end product was a UN of fish aquariums. There were guppies, goldfish, neons (my favorite), and all sorts of other types of fish. They coexisted peacefully. It was beautiful. It was like San Francisco.

Then, in one fateful morning, all hell broke loose. At first, I noticed that one of the goldfish had given birth. My dad was the first to spot the miniscule creatures swimming about. After he called us over, we saw that same goldfish eat its young. That's not a good sign. Other fish were trying to get in the action by this point, and all I could do on the outside was scream and yell. Now, it was at this exact point that I noticed other fish were starting to get what I would describe as "woozy." Turns out that what they had was a terminal fish disease called ick. Ick is like AIDS to fish. Once you get it, there's no surviving. Guppies were swimming sideways, our fantail stopped using its tail - it was a pandemic. The ick was spreading, and spreading fast. The neons decided they would rather take their chances on the outside, and multiple neons actually swam to the surface and jumped out of the tank. I remember running around and gathering up the suicidal neons and dropping them back in the water. That water may be contaminated with ick, I thought, but I knew that those fish needed water. That's the one thing I know. Well, in the end, the neons got it too, and in the final analysis, every single fish had been wiped out. About 20 of them, in all, I reckon. What started out as a joyous morning, with the celebration of new life, ended up being the worst fish disaster in Cole household history. We were flushing the toilet like crazy that day.

Look-A-Likes, Part 3

Wait, is that Olympian and best basketball player on the earth, Robbie Bolton? Look at those cheesy grins, strained foreheads, feigning interest in the shot...

Look-A-Likes, Part 2

Notice the similar love patches, dimples, and cheeks. Could be twins missing from birth. Marcus Thames, of the Detroit Tigers, is from the South, and Quillen is famously part German, and part Billhilly...Both are power hitters who use their country-strong strengh to knock baseballs and softballs out of the ballpark. But if they don't get a hold of one, they will most likely be sitting down 3 pitches later. Ok, so they have different skin complexions. But Obama's President, so that stuff doesn't matter any more.

Look-A-Likes, Part 1

One of my greatest talents - Nee, my greatest talent - is having the ability to see people and recognize features in them that famous celebrities have. Now, this is actually a mysterious and cryptic talent, whose workings I myself am not fully able to understand. For example, whenever I have seen a baby, I have never once thought in my head or muttered aloud that said baby has the features of mommy or daddy or grandparent X, or whatever. My talent apparently doesn't go that far. I can't spot actual genetic relation, I can only detect further, more distant similarities. I should probably be working on a police force, now that I think about it...So anyways, I am now starting a series of posts intended on highlighting people I know who have famous look-a-likes. Some people might be displeased. Others will be flattered. But don't dispute my abilities. I can see things others can't see. The first entry is obvious. This is publicist to the stars, Jon Gosselin!

Baby Rocky Poem - Wisdom Stew Mix

First name Benjamin, second name Rocky
Some call me confident, others call me cocky
with such a name, I might turn out brawny,
Ain't no way I'll end up scrawny.
You don't mess with the Rock, do you smell what he's cookin'?
I can catch up to you, even if you're bookin'
But my parents won't let me be no bully,
They'll ensure that I blossom fully

From the first time I laid eyes on my daddy, I thought he was a hunter-gatherer,
and maybe possibly also not much of a latherer
But I know he will love me, and I'll do my best to behave, man
even as I suppress the urge to call you "Captain Caveman!"
When I laid eyes on my mommy, I knew I had been smiled upon by fate,
but I did start to wonder if it was because of her I was born two weeks late
I know she'll love me and give me all her attention;
and if need be, I'll let her win in Settlers in order to relieve a little tension.
Mommy, I'm already looking forward to when you drive Daddy around in a motorbike,
I hope you guys join a gang that you like
When I'm old enough, I might want to join, too
Although I might need a special-sized helmet, according to you.

Daddy hopes I'll be a biker, or maybe a runner, or maybe a hiker.
Together one day we can do the Appalachians,
or maybe we can climb the highest mountain in the nation.
What's it called? - oh yeah, Mt. McKinley
After all, my daddy looks like Arctic man, William Penly
Paps wants me to be a big leaguer like Bob Brenly,
while Mommy just wants me to be fun and friendly.

I know my family will take great interest in my development,
by the time I start school, I will be in my element.
For such a great family, I need to thank my lucky stars,
even if Daddy is overdoing already by teaching me how to roll my R's
All I wanna do is get some Z's
drink a little milk, and then poop and pee.
Daddy, I don't mean to be a hater, but there's time enough for those rolled R's later.
I mean, I want to learn all about life, love, and the Cupid's arrow,
So why are you so interested in getting me to say "Perrrrro"?
Please stop trying to get me to perform these odd tasks,
why don't you listen to a few more Bill Simmons podcasts...
No, Daddy, I'm just playin' - I want to be wise like you.
So tell me, can you combine your wisdom and serve it up in a stew?

Mommy and Daddy, I am excited to be here on earth,
I'm glad God chose you for my birth
I don't know how it all works, but He wanted you both to be my Daddy and Mommy,
if I had other parents, my name might have been Kwame
I might have been born in Italy, eating salami...
But I wouldn't have had it any other ways,
God has blessed me in these few days.
Here's to hoping the Tigers see playoff action against the Tampa Bay Rays.
Dad, grow your hair out till I graduate-let's vote as a family - 1 no, 2 yea's

Wait just a minute - Dad, what happened to your hair?
Looks like Mommy's vote carries twice the weight, but that seems fair.
What? - you did it for a snickers bar?
I hope it really satisfied, and the energy took you far
Because Guinness Records ain't callin' if you ain't got the locks
But it's a small sacrifice to pay if it means being with Baby Rock.

What I emailed to Bill Simmons

My good friend, who got me onto listening to your podcasts a few years ago, and I have a healthy competition to see who can keep up to date with your podcasts more. He generally has more on his plate than I do right now, so I usually am at least one ahead of him at any given time. Last weekend, I was excited to download the 2-part NBA podcast with Bucher and Steiny Mo, but since my friend's wife was in the hospital giving birth to their first child, I figured I could get my podcast listening in at a leisurely pace. When I went to the hospital to visit the 4-hour old boy, imagine my surprise when my buddy asks me if I have listened to the NBA special yet! The labor was long and arduous. It took all night. I couldn't picture an scenario of how my friend could have had heard your podcast while simultaneously being all there for the birthing process. Apparently after the whole birthing thing was over, the new mother and the mother-in-law tried to get a bit of rest, and that's when my friend saw his opportunity. He quietly fished out his earbuds and stuck them in his ears, and while the others were sleeping in the dark hospital room, my friend was quietly in his own NBA fantasy world! I think it's safe to say that his wife detests professional sports, so this entire action would have been performed with a CIA-like stealth, to be sure.